Today, and onward, I want for you to stop pretending to be a version of what people believe is acceptable. Sometimes, we get into these patterns, in relationships with partners, and with friends where we don’t share all aspects of ourselves.
Therefore, we end up painting an attractive picture that tricks people into loving the perfect version, that doesn’t exist – to please them. Or we literally just become who the other person is.
In addition, when we conform to what others what us to be, we chose them, and in return, we lose ourselves.
Throughout my own experiences, I’ve conformed to many versions of other people. I know the signs, and how much it impacted my overall well-belling.
Recognizing what conformity is first and foremost means you’ll be able to counter-act it with ways to reclaim who you are again.
Here are some telltale signs, you’ve conformed to a version of someone else:
1. You’ve Suppressed Your True Self
You’ve conformed to societal norms and expectations that resulted in a disconnection from your own personal values, interests, and passions, and ultimately this affected your overall sense of identity.
2. Your Self-Worth Was Rocked
You constantly strived to meet external standards of acceptability and started to base your own self-worth on how well others were performing rather than on your own value as a unique person. Ultimately, feelings of inadequacy, anxiety, and low self-esteem started to swallow you.
3. You’ve Been Emotionally Exhausted
You put so much emotional effort into constantly managing and monitoring other’s behavior – just to fit in! As a result, you ended up suppressing your true emotions and opinions so they aligned with the perceived norms, exhausting yourself entirely.
4. You’ve Hit a Creative Block
Your creative expression and innovation has completely tanked and you’ve avoided pursuing unconventional paths or ideas that would contribute to personal growth and development.
5. Your Relationships and Connections Became Surface-Level
Societal norms lead you to have surface-level interactions and relationships which hindered your ability to establish authentic and meaningful relationships. In other words, you invited in drama, and toxic behavior patterns as a trade.
6. You Were Faced With Mental Health Implications
The struggle to conform resulted in a disconnect between your true self and others’ outward behavior which contributed to your overall mental health resulting in anxiety, depression, and identity crises.
7. You Lost The Joy in Life
You’ve felt emptiness and a lack of purpose because you’re disconnected from your authentic desires in life!
And, here are steps you can take to reclaim your true being – the real authentic – more than enough you:
1. Take Time To Do Some Self-Reflection
Take time to reflect on your values, beliefs, interests, and passions. You need to dig deeper into understanding who you truly are, beyond societal expectations. Consider keeping a journal to explore your thoughts and feelings.
I would suggest that you try to journal in the morning, rather than the evening – some things that can come up could be heavy and you don’t want to disturb your sleep.
***Journal Recommendation: 100 Days of Self-Love: A Guided Journal to Help You Calm Self-Criticism and Learn to Love Who You Are by Mary Jelkovsky
2. Become Aware of Societal Pressures
I’m sure you’re very familiar with recognizing the ways in which societal norms and pressures have influenced your behavior and choices. Understand that conformity is often a result of external influences and conditioning. Take a mental scan of your thoughts when you are feeling pressure.
Ask yourself these three questions:
- Is this normally something I would do?
- Does this decision make me feel good?
- Are these thoughts someone else’s but disguised as my internal voice?
3. Challenge Your Inner Negative Thoughts
Take time to challenge any negative beliefs or thoughts that arise when you consider deviating from yourself. Notice that these thoughts may already be pre-programmed, or conditioned from either past experiences or how you’ve been raised. Be kind to yourself and practice some self-compassion and remind yourself that your worth is not determined by others’ opinions or who they “expect” you to be!
4. Set Your Authentic Goals
I find it helpful to set adaptable goals and aspirations that align with my true self, rather than what is expected of me. Expectations others place on you are not for you to adhere to. Focus on your passions and interests, and work towards achieving what truly fulfills you.
To get started, try asking yourself these questions. Journal your responses!
- What activities or pursuits make me feel truly alive and engaged?
- What values are most important to me in life?
- What are my natural strengths and talents?
- What do I envision for my future self?
Once you’ve taken time to work through these, lean into those activities. They will bring you closer to who you truly are and pave the way for future growth.
5. Expand Your Perspective
Go on an adventure, and seek out diverse experiences, people, and ideas! Exposure to different viewpoints can help you broaden your perspective and question existing norms. While you might not always agree with everyone, consider this as “research” and “data” collection into a more exciting life!
6. Practice Assertiveness
Learn to assertively communicate your thoughts, feelings, and boundaries. It’s okay to respectfully express your true opinions even if they differ from those around you.
I’ve also struggled with boundaries, and continue to be challenged. Understanding your boundaries won’t ever be linear, and over time they may even change and bend. This is natural, and it’s okay for you to change your mind about where they land.
To help you start to enforce assertiveness try using these assertive phrases in the future to help set the tone:
- “I believe…”: Use this phrase to express your opinion or perspective on a matter.
- “I would appreciate it if…”: This phrase allows you to make a request while showing politeness and respect.
- “What I’m asking for is…”: Use this phrase to clearly state what you need or expect from the other person.
- “My perspective is…”: This phrase helps you share your viewpoint without sounding confrontational.
7. Surround Yourself with Support
This point seems obvious, but what’s speficially important is that you build a support system of friends, family, or like-minded individuals who appreciate and encourage your authentic self. Positive relationships can provide validation and reinforcement.
Cautious note: If you are being triggered by friends, family, or co-workers, you will need to enforce what I like to call “timed space”. This is a specific amount of time where you set limits on seeing these people. It could be a few days, weeks, or even months. You could also cap the time spent by an hour or two if you absolutely need to be in their presence. You will know the proper amount of time needed if you listen to your body.
8. Mindfulness and Meditation
Engage in mindfulness practices to connect with your inner self and become more attuned to your thoughts and emotions. Meditation can help you develop a stronger sense of self-awareness.
Music Recommendation: I created a “Peaceful Spa” Spotify Playlist that I listen to when I need to escape and simply tune inward. Take 10 minutes, lay down somewhere you feel safe, and listen to this list. See what comes up for you, and where it takes you.
9. Seek Professional Help
If you find that conforming to societal expectations is causing significant distress or identity struggles, consider seeking the guidance of a licensed therapist. Therapy can provide you with valuable tools and strategies to navigate your life journey.
I absolutely love therapy, and go every two weeks – it’s mental health maintenance (like taking your car for an oil change – you need to keep up with that, otherwise it will break. Same goes for your mental health!)
10. Celebrate Your Uniqueness
You gotta enjoy the small wins, just as much as the big ones! Embrace your individuality and celebrate all the aspects that make you unique. Understand that your authenticity is a source of strength and empowerment.
Try this: As three of your closest friends/family members 1. What they love about you and 2. Why do they love that about you? I love this activity! It’s fun, and you could even do it for them as well! I mean, who doesn’t love a good self-esteem boost?
11. Embrace Imperfection
Above all, remember that no one is perfect, and embracing your flaws and imperfections is a part of being human. Embracing imperfection can free you from the pressure of conforming to an unattainable ideal. It’s just not realistic for us always to strive for something that simply isn’t possible.
Try not to hold yourself to those standards. You are good enough – just as you are!
Know that the people who see you, will see you and care nothing about the parts that you hide from yourself, and others. They will welcome all of you, flaws and all.
True fulfillment and satisfaction comes from living authentically and aligning your actions with your own personal values. We conform because we get lost, we are easily influenced, or we are looking for validation from external sources.
It’s time to shed the mask and start embracing your authentic identity. Now and forever.
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